Hello, I have not been updating for a while, but I made it to Mexico City in a beautiful hotel called Live Aqua Mexico City hotel and spa.
The reason why I have not been writing is because I have been really low and felt bad emotionally these past days. I should write to feel better or at least get some things off my chest but to be honest I have been too tired, to negative and have had too much anxiety. I started this blog because I wanted to share my life, my experience and how it is to live with bipolarity and an ocean of anxiety.
But to be honest for me it’s been really hard to open up and share all the dark sides of my life. I love to share when I’m in that motivated state or when everything is just sugar and spice. To be honest that is not how my life is. On those days I feel like I have nothing good to talk about.
Maybe I want it to be that way so much, that when I do feel depressed and have so much anxiety that I can’t barely get out of bed. I just refuse to write or talk or just do anything at all.
I feel sometimes that I am this 2-person human: not with 2 personalities but more like 2 emotional sides.
Either I am high on life, loving everyone and everything; over social who loves to talk and write. I’m like this motivating human that only see´s everything from the bright side and who always find solutions to everything.
Then I have this other emotional Isabell who fears everything, who has anxiety 24/7 and who sees everything from the negative side and who is also very self-destructive.
Sometimes I can be a little bit of both.
Some days I wake up being the negative Isabell, but I can turn it around.
With my tools, meditation, gym, breathing and surround myself with positive energies, like eBooks.
But when it gets bad, really dark and just awful, it is hard.
Hard for me to even go out. It’s like I get this anti-social feeling.
Walking into the mall takes so much effort and If I meet someone I know I just want to run away or even hide.
Because I’m very protected over my feelings so I won’t show it to anyone. I just put up a happy face trying to get away from the situation as fast as possible. If people would know how I really feel at those moments, I would feel a little bit ashamed and wouldn't know how to react or behave. It's hard to describe, of course one should never be ashamed of how they feel. Being happy and the joking clown all the time its just something I'm not.
So, this last week and a half has been one of them periods of just darkness, anxiety and trying to have something to look forward to, like this Trip to Mexico.
The flight over here was nothing but panic attacks and I felt like dying. I tried to breath, listening to eBooks, good music and watch some movies. But I really had some kind of death anxiety. My husband tried his best to calm me down, but nothing really worked.
I know for a fact that when I have one of my depression periods I get weak to things around me, specially if they scare me.
It’s like my mind makes everything 100 times worse because I’m in that state already.
It's just such a horrible feeling and I get so drained and tired afterwards.
But I made it to Mexico City 😃
Today when I woke up I felt a little bit better and I decided to make a blog post no matter how hard it feels to be honest and just tell you all, about how I have been feeling. But I’m doing my best to get out of it.
I’m going to share as much as I can from this trip. I decided to make videos in all the cities/countries I am going to visit.
Countries I will visit are: Mexico, Dominicans Republic, Colombia, Argentina and Uruguay.
So, I will update with V-logs and make as much out of this trip as possible, so I can share it with all of you.
And if anyone can relate to this post, let me know, I LOVE feedback and to be honest it is awesome to know that you’re not alone.
Have a great weekend everyone 😃