Updated: Mar 31, 2019
As I mention before, I am writing a book. Mostly because I have so much to say and I want to share with others my side of the story. I remember when I was younger, I often felt alone, vulnerable and misunderstood.
I never really fit in and most of the time I was confused. I believe that if you share you story and knowledge to the world, you can help others on their journey. I have wrote a lot about my movie, "say something".
This movie means so much to me, I shared my life, my emotional ride and opened up about my struggles. It then became to be bigger than I ever could have imagen. It has helped so many people and today we are on a mission to change the law here in Sweden, because of this movie I decided to be a part of.
But why I am writing the book? Because I want to tell the whole story from my own point of view. To tell what really happened before the movie took time and also afterwards. To put the whole story in one movie is just not enough.
My book will be released this year, and I hope I can reach out to as many people possible.
"Say something" documentary is about me and my mother and the struggle to find back to our relationship after living in an abusive home for several years.
It took 5 years of filming. But in the movie you will only see a part of what was going on.
Living in a war zone behind closed doors is hard, both mentally, but you also feel it in your whole body. The time afterwards is even worst.
Coming back to a reality, which is broken, dark and lonely is super hard. Running away and missing out on the normal living which should be a freedom, but it is not.
I would describe living at that home for over 3 years made me not only angry but terrified. My biggest concerne was finding my mom dead. I had nightmares and always a inner stress.
Not knowing how everyday would turn out. Will he be mad, can I do something so he wont be furious. It was like walking around on eggshells. It was no room for misstakes, like leaving the mayonnaise on the wrong shelf. Or if I was 10 minutes late, there would not be any food for me to eat. Not showering for more than 10 minutes. Controlling who you called in the phone list was a daily routine. Those things became normal. A normality that you had live by.
My mother and him had big fights often. He was drinking daily and that was a big problem, because that was when he became more violate and mean.
Almost every afternoon he took a nap. Me and my mom stepped around on our toes, so we would not wake up the beast (as we called him).
One time I asked my mom, is this normal, do you think other people do this at home too? We both just looked at each other, I think at this point we really understood how bad our situation was.
Me and my mom did not have a relationship at all through this time. We were not allowed to speak to each other in private, due to his fear of us talking "shit" about him behind his back.
If we had anything to say we could say it to him too.
It was not until everything started to escalate to a point where we could not stay in this any longer. That is when we decided to move, FAST!
After he pulled a knife on my mothers throat also after a few incidents of him being brutalily violent, threaten to kill her, thats when we really made up a plan behind his back.
My mom searched for apartments, applied for everyone she could.
That result into making me go earlier from school to catch the mail man to get the answering letter, if we got the apartment or not, before he got home.
This was a period of 4 months, where I had to rush home every Tuesday and Thursday which where the only days for that specific mail to come.
One day we got the amazing news, we were the first in line for a small apartment and we got approved.
That was the start of a hell breakout.
He refuse to accept that my mom wanted to separate and everything escalated really quick. 16 days after we moved to the new apartment, we had to flee for our lives and hide at a woman-shelter. I did not go to school for 3 months. I felt like a prisoner and I could not tell anyone where or why I was away. I missed school, friends and my freedom. A whole other chapter began, of fighting for our rights in the system and trying to start a new life.
This is a small part of my story in the hell house I called my home.
I went through the hardest part of my life after this.
I was 14 years old at the time and I started to have anger issues and a destructive behavior. The road was bumpy and long, but today I am better than I could have ever imagine .
I have work so much on myself and build myself up. Taking a lot of help from others. Today I am happy, calm but most important, I am in peace with my past and myself.
I am not longer a victim to my circumstances.
I do not let my emotions control my life. But most important, I do not let anyone control my life or my way of living.
Have a wonderful Sunday <3