I want to share something I have not shared before, and I believe it's the perfect time to open up and to put light on this subject.
It's been a while since I last wrote here on the blog, and I have committed to myself and to you, to start writing more frequently.
It's been some crazy years, to say the least, and I will try to summon it up as well as possible. Then, I will divide each part into a post on its own.
Where do I even begin?
Was a crazy year, in lockdown.
I think we all can agree on that one?
This years was also when my life changed forever, and it was the year when I found out I was pregnant: November 28th, two days before I turned 29.
To be honest, I was terrified.
First, I cried of happiness, then I cried of fear, and then I just decided there and then, I would make this the best journey of my life.
What an incredible experience, I am now going to become a mother, and I get to share this with the love of my life.
(I will write a whole blog post about the pregnancy and how I experienced it all, I also have the entire video of when Baby Ian was born)
I was seven months pregnant. I was happy, scared, and so excited because I had my first "Mastering The Feminine Power" Mastermind retreat in Costa Rica after months of postponing it because of covid.
What an phenomenal experience.
It took a lot of work, anxiety, and fear, but I managed to pull it off, and it was a super success.
I also got the chance to take the most beautiful pregnancy pictures at the mansion.
July: Ian came into the world on July 30th at 7 AM.
It was the most beautiful, terrifying, and unreal experience of my life.
I was so excited to meet him, but a bit freaked out. What do I ett do now?
September: Premium Black had its first release party with some of the top A celebrities. One of my husband's companies, which is a high-profile networking club for athletes, artists, actors, politicians, and many more.
The party of the year and it was an immense success and it was baby Ian's first red carpet.
I was seven weeks postpartum.
October: I had my second "Mastering The Feminine Power" mastermind retreat.
This time, I had the opportunity to have one of my idols "Lauren Drain," as one of the speakers at the retreat.
Talk about "Law of attraction"! I used to have Lauren on my dream board and on my fridge, as she was my fitspo for many years. She has inspired me with her dedication to fitness and her resilience to overcome childhood trauma.
Along with five other incredible female speakers, this retreat was another success, filled with love, support, healing and new creative ideas.
I was 11 weeks postpartum.
Today April 21th, So much has happened in a very short time.
I believe I pushed myself a little too hard after giving birth, I wanted to be back in my old state, working, creating, living up to my old standard, but slowly I realised it was not possible!
I feel exhausted! I constantly feel like I am letting someone down.
If I am going to be 100% honest, ever since I gave birth, I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions, of anxiety, regrets, shame, guilt, and a feeling of being "LOST."
I imagine many women, especially first-time mothers, feel like this, but we don't talk about it.
I love my son more than life itself, but I have never felt so lost, lonely and sad as I have felt in the last couple of months.
After going to my doctor repeatedly, mentioning feeling extremely sad, lonely, depressed, and anxious, we decided that the best option for me is to start on a medication to help me get back in a good mental state.
As a coach myself with "tools" in my toolbox, I have had to face certain sides of myself that were not that pretty and learn that asking for help, is crutial.
And starting to take medication again, which goes against everything I stand for.
But after trying everything to make myself feel better without any big changes, I was in need for another option.
I have focused on training, eating healthy, doing my morning routines, learning and growing.
But most of the time, I felt depressed and lonely, without knowing WHY! and some days I could barely make it out of bed, my tears were pouring, and I seriously couldn't "get my shit together."
It frustrated me, and I have been felling extremely guilty.
Why am I like this?
What's wrong with me?
Why cant I just be happy now when I have this beautiful son in my life?
I have now come to terms with that I have been through postpartum depression, and I am slowly getting out of it, with the help from my husband, loved ones, and professional help.
I have been going through one of the most challenging days of my life, and I have been through much in my 30 years of living.
I bet many women can relate to this.
To anyone reading this, going through something similar, I want you to know; You are not alone, there is help to get, and I promise you, this too shall pass.
I genuinely want to share a light on this subject as I know this is more common than we think.
Let's start talking about this, as this is something many women experience.
I want anyone reading this to know that there is no shame in feeling all these emotions. In fact, it is normal.
You just gave birth to another human being, and your body is filled with hormones.
There have been times I thought to myself that the only way out is to end my life because I felt like I would not be a good mom, and it brings tears to my eyes just writing it.
But that's how dark it's been at times, and not being able or having the guts to share it either.
So here it is, no filter, no pretends, just me being honest about my postpartum journey. It's been almost nine months, and even if I am not out of it, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
FUN FACT : This post has taken me three days to complete, which usually would have taken me 3 hours. Time and priorities are different.
It was hard to get used to it initially, but now I am starting to accept that time looks different now.
I am taken time off, spending time with Baby Ian, prioritizing self-love and quality time with my family
I am taking time to restore myself so I can show up as the supportive coach that I know I am, but I need to fill my own cup first.
So that my friend is what I am doing right now.