In ny mind, sometimes can be a little bit messy. I’m sure I’m not alone about this. I wanted to write this because my whole life I have felt alone. Like super lonely and misunderstood. As a child I was acting on my emotions and sometimes I was mean. I never meant to but I actually never knew better. And I don’t think people around me knew how to act either. I was just a special kid. I was depressed a lot as a kid.
I was thinking about things nobody around me would ever think about. I could get so angry and anxious. But most of the time I was over excited and even more anxious. I got so over excited at times that I accually got sick, I really don’t know why. As an example, every Christmas I got so excited for weeks, I could not sleep or focus. I was just overwhelmed about Christmas.
Then when the actual day came, I was so tired and exhausted that I could not enjoy that special day. Most of the time I got really excited because in my head I imagen this day for so long that nothing really happend the way I expected it to.
Anyhow when I grew older as a teenager I found myself so confused and alone. My teacher saw this very clearly and my mom and me had some crisis meetings in school. They said that I was either very excited, positive, happy and with a lot of energy; and other days or even weeks I would just be quite, still and extremely low.
So instead of taking me to some kind Of neuropsychiatric assessment, they wanted me to try to be a little bit more in-between.
I was only 14 years old, full of hormones and extremely self destructive and I was also living in a home of war (with an abusive stepfather). Today I know it was never my fault even though I never told anyone how hard my life actually was at that time. And how much damage my mind got. I just lived for the weekend instead, and to get drunk. That was how I survived I think. Just running away from everything.
I know my bipolar side showed up earlier then at age 14 but it got really bad after 14 and if I would have gotten my diagnose earlier, it might have helped me a lot faster.
I got my diagnose when I was 20 years old. I then got diagnosed bipolar type 2.
I get manic at times which means I get over excited, more energy (almost like I’m on drugs) I sleep less and I talk and talk. I also get extremely impulsive and as far as it got was when I bought a ticket to Thailand and flew there alone for a month and then my depression came. And I had to go back home. Got checked into a hospital directly.
When the manic period is over I sink so far down. Most of my depression I spend in a hospital because I can't take care of myself. I need medicine and I need to talk to professionals.
It’s gotten so bad that I have had 5 suicidal attempts. Luckily I survived all of them. But this is something I have never shared with anyone before. My husband knows and my mom and brother.
Nobody else. I guess some people knows about 1 or 2 suicidal attempts due too they been with me those times. This is the side of me I NEVER SHOWED or talked about to too anyone. I feel ashamed and I don’t want anybody to feel bad for me. I have never really been taking responsibility for my disease before so that’s why I been in all these situations.
Today I am. I do not drink alcohol, I do not do drugs. And I do not put myself in situations that I know will hurt me.
I do have routines for both food and sleeping habits or I will be most likely too get back to my eating disorder. I also workout regularly and I am on medications. I meditate and I go to a phycologist.
I chose people around me I know can be a support and also be good friends. I do not waste my time on having a lot of people that don’t care. I only have a few that I let inside my circle. It’s important to have trust and have people you know can be there thorough the ups and the downs.
I would say today I can see all the changes I have made and all of the abuse others have put me Through but also the self abuse I put myself through. I have never been good enough for myself, EVER. I have always told myself, I’m ugly, fat, dumb and I’m a horrible person. I’m mean why!? Have I ever been really mean ? NO
Have I ever been so fat I can’t walk? NO
Have I ever failed a test? YES but did I finish school with good grades? YES! Then where does that make me dumb? How ugly can I be ?! If I’m a good friend and an amazing wife, it’s impossible to be ugly if you are a decent human.
Why are we so mean, not only to each other but to ourselves? We are going to be in our bodies til we die. Nobody cares when it’s all over anyway. How much followers we had or how much we earned or how beautiful we were. NO, nothing of that counts when we are buried and gone. Not for you or for me. If we only got 1 life to live and one chance to do whatever you want. Then take it.
Take every chance you get to love yourself and make peace with you demons because nobody else can do it for you.
The only one who will suffers from it’s you and of course the people around you.
Be you, be the extra you and whatever you want to do you can do or be.
How many times are you going to spend your time on this earth?
So, make the most of it. You got everything ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING in your hands.
If you love what you see in the mirror or around you, then appreciate it.
If not CHANGE IT.
Get the help you deserve and help yourself to become the best version of you. It’s your journey. Write it and inspire others who might not know how to change.
One life, one world and one freaking special you ❤